(15) I was, but now I am.

I was not the same person 4 years ago that I am now. I am thankful for that.

I have gone through a lot in my time in high school. I've met and loved and outgrown friends, I've fallen for and lost significant others, I've had to learn many things the hard way, especially when it comes to other people.

I've had to learn a lot about myself too.

When I came into high school, I was lost and scared. The only people I knew were the people I had known in middle school. I didn't make friends for a long time because I was quiet. 

The first person I dated in high school was 3 years older than me, and I wish I had known what I was getting myself into because let me tell you, no freshman needs to deal with their significant other disappearing in the middle of the day to smoke and then getting mad at them when they don't want to be around someone smelling like cigarettes. 

The good thing to come out of freshman year was me beginning to find myself. I took a leap of faith that April and came out to my parents. Thankfully, I received nothing but positivity, but that's one of those experiences that can make or break how you live afterward.

Mine made me.

I made the big decision after freshman year to cut all of my hair off. 

This was a big step for someone emotionally attached to their waist-length hair, but my dad and I donated ours together, and that gave me the courage to try a pixie-esque length not long after. It's one of those things you need to experience. It gives you a greater appreciation for your time and the money you save on hair products, but it also gives you the chance to figure out who you are when you can't hide behind your hair anymore.

That year was the first time I was serious about a significant other and the first time my parents met and liked them. I moved up a band and became a little bit more confident, in my musical skills and in myself as a person. I learned that having someone to build you up helps a lot but it is ultimately up to you. You cannot let your worth and your courage ride on someone else's perception of you, even if it's good.

One thing that everyone will learn the hard way is trying to find a way to fulfill your own desires without hurting someone else. To those that haven't had to face this yet, here is my take on it: you will hurt someone the first time around. They will hate you and you will hate you. The only thing you can do is acknowledge that you handled it poorly, apologize, and learn from it. (But make sure you learn from it or else all you did was hurt someone.)

For some wild, unknown reason, I chose to join IB. The hardest lessons to learn (mostly about myself) came out of that.

1. I have terrible time management skills. Fixing them is hard.

2. If you want all A's, you need to invest more time than you want to.

3. Do not drink multiple cans of Monster and try to finish all of your HOA work the day before the test. You will feel sick and hate yourself.

If I can take anything from junior year, it is that you need to value your friends while you have them. They will be the ones that sit next to you on the bus without question, whose houses you can walk into without knocking, who will spontaneously come with you to get your nose pierced, and who will sit and eat ice cream and cry with you when something else goes wrong. Don't take this for granted.

It is so very important to learn to pick out red flags in a relationship.

If you can't hold a conversation, or if all conversation is forced, it won't work.

If they won't tell their parents who you are or even that they're spending time with you, it won't work.

If you have to drag them along to things that you want to do, it won't work. (Take it from someone who had to force their prom date to go to prom. Disregarding your desires is a red flag.)

It doesn't matter how badly you want it to work. Your energy is better spent somewhere else, and so is theirs. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. And that's okay.

Senior year has been a rollercoaster. 

This year, I've been through more than the last three combined. So much of this year has changed me on a fundamental level.

I've had to live without my parents. My parents live in a different state, and I didn't get to spend my senior year with them by my side like I wanted to. You learn to value your family a lot more when you have to schedule time with them. 

Thankfully, moving meant not sharing a room with my now-15-year-old sister anymore. I know that sounds bad, but in reality, it has drastically improved our relationship and I'm thankful because as difficult as she is, I want to be a good big sister for her.

I've learned that bad things will happen, and all I can do about it is educate myself as much as possible and hope for the best.

I've learned that your friend groups will fluctuate and diminish, and you will learn who your real friends are. Sometimes you will grow out of people. Sometimes you will disagree on such a fundamental level that you can't move past it. Sometimes you just don't mesh as people and you finally come to terms with it and go your separate ways. It happens. You don't need a huge group of friends to be happy. Sometimes all you need is a couple friends that will get dinner with you at a moment's notice and come cheer you on in Rocky Horror at 1 in the morning. 

This year was when I learned what really deserved my time. I learned that if it's not fulfilling to me, I'm not under any obligation to give my time. 

This is why I stopped going to youth group at church and started going to YoungLife instead. This is why I became more involved in Rocky Horror. This is why I went to more protests and rallies and stuck my neck out and auditioned for Winterfest- because these are the things that make me feel like myself and like they're worth my time. 

Notice that none of these things are about anything I learned academically. This is for a reason. 

I do think that the things we learn in class are important. I do think that school as a whole is valuable, but I think that the more important things to learn aren't about World War 1 or projectile motion or how the digestive system works. The more important things are everything I've spent 3 hours trying to put into words. (Yes, I've really been working on this for that long.) 

If you take anything from this, it's that you should think more critically about the experiences you have. What can you learn from them? Is it really making you happy? What do you want to do with your time? When was the last time you hugged your mom? (If you can't think of an answer for that last one, go do it. For me.) Start appreciating the people you have and what they contribute to your life. Things can change really fast, and you don't want to look back and feel like you could've done more.

I am better. I am stronger. I am learning.

-----

 (freshman year)

           (sophomore year)                                                                                     (junior year)

(senior year)

Evolution of my hair, which is a pretty good representation of the evolution of myself. Started with what I was comfortable with, went through some different and new things, and then found what suited me.